she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
