All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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