your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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