I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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