Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
