she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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