Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
