Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
