i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
