You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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