3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
