I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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