I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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