I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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