I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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