and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
