I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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