dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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