her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
