i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize