Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
