I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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