I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
