Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
