You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
