Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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