I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
