I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
