Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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