finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
