i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
