I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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