I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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