I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
