I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Too much gin, very little bucket
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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