i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
