So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
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I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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