I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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