and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
