You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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