mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
