Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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