Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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