you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
