just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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