you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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