At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
