i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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