alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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