I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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