I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i already hear my dad disowning me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
