i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
