I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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