Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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